As I mentioned when I started one of the things that I wanted to happen through this Blogging experience was to hear back from others. If it makes any sense I need a mirror during this time. Not sure why, maybe because I feel so unsure of myself. On my own I just did so badly! I knew right off the bat that I wasn't going to make it through this "trial" without help.

One of my favorite Beatles song is "With a Little Help From My Friends" because it rings so true (I'd put the words in but I'm not sure of copyright violations). Anyway, without friends and family, forget it!

So having said all that I'd like to open up a discussion on a comment sent to me (thanks to you who sent it!). It reads:

"When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly"

I get it, basically it's about faith and we all know what faith is. And I have it (on top of that I'm a born optimist) BUT what does one do while they are waiting faithfully? I'm doing all of the right things...doing my job search, taking care of my children and myself, and trying to give each day's task 100%.

BUT it's taking so long! Any suggestions? To be honest I'm kind of bored without a job and I don't have any money to do anything!

Q:...Was I stupid or what? Anyone EVER made a mistake (as detailed below) of such magnitude? Sometimes I just can't find words to describe myself. Basically, less than 10 years ago I owned 3 excellent properties. Today, I'm homeless (read have nothing to show for it all).

Won't get into the reasons for the divorce right now. As I mentioned before, I get the mistakes of the heart. It was unfortunate that it happened and I deeply regret my part in it all. Basically it came down to two people who came from homes where the parent's relationship were quite disfunctional. Thus, we had no clue how to create and maintain a marriage.

What were the post divorce mistakes?

I was given 3 great properties in a major east coast city in the settlement(2 rental and our home) and I got rid of all of them!

Right off the bat I sold the rental properties. Reasons:

1. neither one had a current tenant and I would have instantly had to go into the landlord business (just didn't want to do it, very far outside of my comfort zone).

2. I was stressed out from the divorce and couldn't imagine taking on anything more to deal with. I had two small children so I had to deal with DOING IT ALL, and deal with myself. I was an emotional wreck from the divorce.

Then, there was our home. A beautiful 4 bedroom/4 bathroom home in a GREAT neighborhood with great neighbors! Master bedroom w/master bath (jacuzzi, 2 sinks, shower), in-law suite, good size backyard, beautiful hardwood floors throughout the house, oversized kitchen with island, finished basement...etc, etc, etc.

I'll have to fastforward on this one. A few years after the divorce I meet the man who I am currently involved with. Although we have a 3 year old child together we are currently not living together (see "My First Blog"). We fell in love and decided that we would join our lives together. We were engaged to be married. At this time he lived over 1 hour away. Sooo, since things were on track (we were going to get married, did I mention that?) I decided to, yeah
you guessed it, sell my house and move in with him.

And what did I do with the money, used it to live on. Didn't think
one minute about investing the proceeds (over 100K) or downsizing my lifestyle. Nope, not me, not the princess. . Suzie Ormond would just love me, wouldn't she?

I don't have anything else to say. I'm sick to my stomach and I have to go lay down, this is all too much to take at one time. If it wasn't so bad it would be funny. Or maybe it's funny because it's so bad. I'm laughing through my tears. More BAD DECISIONS to come (God, I can't believe there's more, I really can't).

What I need to know from my fellow Bloggers who care to opine on my life is...AM I STUPID OR WHAT? Have any of you made such bad decisions remotely approaching this magnitude?*

My mistakes in hindsight seem so obvious yet at the time I just knew that I was doing the right thing!

AND if that is the case, that an intelligent person (I use the word lightly) can make a decision believing that they are making the best one for themselves AND if that decision can turn out as badly as mine have, what hope do I have a living a good lifeif my "decisionmaker" is defective? My God, I'm DOOMED!!!

I'm not totally beating up on myself, I get the mistakes of the heart. Everyone makes those. However, I'm having a tougher time with the financial and career mistakes. These weren't harmless little mistakes like submitting a bad memo, taking a boring training course, or buying an ugly living room set.

I went for TOTAL DEVASTATION in all areas! And all I had to do was pick up a book! But no, I was too busy, too embarrassed to ask for advice, too whatever.

FINAL THOUGHT:

BAD DECISIONS=A BAD QUALITY OF LIFE

*(I think this is how I'll open any of my Blogs in which I actually detail the mistakes that I made).

Well, given that it's New Year's Eve I suppose that I should make some resolutions. So here goes...

#1. Get a job.

#2. Start making better decisions.
(How? Start thinking less with my heart and more with my head)

#3. Start putting my life back together, i.e. moving back towards that upper middle class life style that I loved so much.

Spent the night with the kids watching the Naruto marathon on Cartoon Network. Can hardly stand the excitement (adult-wise) but can't imagine a better group of folks to bring in the New Year with. Thanks God for my wonderful, beautiful children. I don't know that I'd still be here if it weren't for them. Good night and Happy New Year!!!

OK, here goes. I've decided to do this because I have so much going on in my head and so many things have gone wrong in my life. I need a place to sort it all out and possibly leave something for others, hoping they won't make the same mistakes -- I HAVE RUINED MY LIFE with BAD DECISIONS and the only thing left to do is to pick up the pieces and START ALL OVER AGAIN!

There are a few issues I need to address throughout this blog:
#1. What I did to get into this hole.
#2. What I am doing to try to get out of the hole.
#3. Improve my decision-making skills.

I'll start with my present situation and background. Hate to say it but the whole thing sounds like the story line for a women's network movie. God, please let it have a happy ending!!! Basically, I'm a nice person (everyone who meets me likes me) but the one thing that my life has taught me so far is that nice means nothing in the grand scheme of things. The mistakes I made were ones of ignorance of basic personal finance, being so insecure/stubborn that I wouldn't listen to others when they gave me advice, not thinking decisions through and always, always, always thinking with my heart and never my head. Sorry, no drugs, crime, or illicit sex involved.

I'm 43 years old woman (age, it seems is no indicator of wisdom) and have 2 degrees, one from a top ten US law school (nor is education). I come from a solid, stable, loving middle class background with two parents and family who spent time with me and loved and adored me. Emotionally I'm pretty well developed (did my time in therapy after the divorce). Lived what others would call a charmed life for 35 years. I have 3 children ages 11, 9, and 3 who are the loves of my life. I believe in God, I'm single (divorced once), unemployed, and ADRIFT IN THE WORLD.

Currently I have no money or resources left and now live by mooching off of friends and family. I've literally fallen, and fallen far from grace. I feel like such scum, stupid scum. I'm afraid that I have done so much damage that I'll never get back to a legitimate, decent life (read upper middle class). I'm in a relationship with the father of my 3 year old. We never married but we do love each other very much. However, the relationship is "strained" (more on that later) basically because I live in one state and he lives in another.

I'm currently living with the father of my first 2 children (totally platonic, I sleep with the kids in their bedroom) to help him take care of them. He has a job, I don't, who better to care for my children than me? I know it's weird but we've been able to put aside our differences for the sake of the children. We decided that the children would stay with him because he is more stable than I am and during my fall from grace I moved them around too much.

I've started to look for a job but I'm mostly over qualified for most jobs. The state where I'm at has an terrible unemployment rate. I did manage to find the perfect job that fit my qualifications to a tee for $50,000/year, had a great interview, and then was turned down because of my credit report.

I was depressed for weeks! I called the local mental health clinic to see if I could find someone to talk to. I was asked if I was suicidal, I thought for a minute, yes, then remembered that I had to pick up the kids so no, not really, I have to take care of my children and don't have time for such things.

Understand this was my dream job, what I was most qualified in the world to do given my education and work experience. And sadly to say I don't think that I will be able to work in that industry at all because of my bad credit. There goes 13 years of work experience due to BAD DECISIONS!

BAD DECISION ENTRY #1: While I was living with my baby's daddy (sounds so low class) I quit my job making close to 6 figures to stay home with the baby but then didn't have the financial means to pay my bills. Then I took out all of the $ in my 401K (over $100K) and STILL DIDN'T PAY MY BILLS. I used it to pay living expenses but still, I should have paid my damm bills. Heck, I should have never quit my job!

CLOSING THOUGHT: When I was going through my divorce (which was the beginning of the end of my charmed life) I prayed to God to let the experience be so deep that I would realize that I could/should never try to do anything without God. I'm afraid that that prayer continues to play in my life. I know that all of this is for a reason, I just don't know if I am going to make it through it in one piece. I am very, very, very depressed! I feel like the only one on earth who is sooo stupid. I REALLY can't imagine anyone one else making such BAD DECISIONS. I had it all and now I have nothing!

Next entry: BAD DECISIONS:POST-DIVORCE