Janet met Steve through a computer dating service. She had been a good girl and waited the appropriate amount of time after her divorce. She went forward into the dating world knowing that she had done everything she could've done to save her marriage, there were no regrets. There were no lingering relationship ghosts, she was ready to begin again.

Janet choose the dating service because she was a professional with a full time job and two small children. She was even looking forward to starting again. This time it will be different she thought. This time I'll find someone who truly loves me.

The first dates were OK and then she ran across Steve's profile. On paper he sounded great! Another professional, even better he was a single dad taking care of his two children. They seemed to have so much in common. However, it wasn't until she watched his video that she realized that he was the one. How corny, she thought, but there was something about Steve. Funny, he looked so much like her first love, the one her heart yearned for all of those years.

That night Janet sent a message to Steve asking him if he wanted to meet her. The response was quick and a date was set. One of the exercises that the dating service took their clients through was to write down all of the things that one wanted in a mate and all of the things that one didn't want in a mate. Armed with her list she went to meet him.

The beginning of the date was more like an interview. Both Janet and Steve asked questions of each other to find out the basics. From the getgo it was obvious that Steve did'nt meet much of the criteria on Janet's yes list and did meet most of the criteria on her no list. She chuckled to herself. Janet even asked, "Why did you pick me, we are so different? Didn't you even read my profile?" He laughed and said no.

Soon after meeting this man, she realized that she had a problem. Logically they were not a match, emotionally she was hooked. He was intelligent, funny, perceptive, and handsome. More than anything, he listened to her, he thought that she was pretty, he saw her intelligence. He spoke to her in a way that she had never heard before from a man, even her ex-husband. He looked in her eyes like no one had ever done. Looking back Janet realized that she didn't have a chance. She was programmed from her teens to respond to this man the way that she did.

The date that went so well, there was dinner, a movie, and intimacy. It was perfect. However, she did manage to remember the list. Ugh, she thought, the list but if I'm going to pay all of that money to the dating service I might as well give it lip service. So as she left she said, "I'm not sure that we should continue to see each other. Let me think about it and I'll call you."

And then she left, on a cloud that was. Janet's heart was soaring. She thought about their future, she thought about him all the way home. Two hours later, before she got out of the car she called him on her cell phone and told him that she was looking forward to seeing him.

And thus it began...

(author's note: the relationship continued from this point for 6 years and continues today.)

I miss you...and I wish that I could send this to you but I know that you would say that it doesn't matter anymore, that too much water has gone under the bridge...

I miss you...and I wish that I could connect a wire from my heart to yours so that you could really understand...

I miss you...and I wish that I was with you now but I have obligations to others who need me more, their very souls are on the line...

I miss you...and I wish that some of this mattered to you but I suspect that it doesn't...

I miss you...and I wish that you and I weren't growing apart but I think we are...

I miss you...and when I look into our child's face I see you and my heart breaks...

I miss you...

A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that the balances are correct. This every sister of the Bene Gesserit knows.

--from "Manual of Muad'Dib" by the Princess Irulan

It has occurred to me that what's going on now in my life is a beginning. I've always loved this quote from "Dune" and its stayed with me through the years. I've always had a sense that it was correct and now, here at the beginning of this new chapter in my life I plan on applying it. But how do I make sure that the balances are correct?

I've already mapped out what I want the outside to look like (job/career, home, car, etc.) and am working hard to achieve these things. But what I haven't given thought to is what I want the inside to look like. For me this is what I think the quote is speaking to. If I get all the outside stuff back but don't change the inside I know that I'm doomed to make the same mistakes again.

If I was crafting the ideal emotional me I would keep what I had but add or improve on a few things. I would improve on my ability to be more content with what I had and with where I was. I would add more patience, be less dependent on others, be more aware of consequences, have a better memory for life lessons already learned, and be more realistic. And bravery, I definitely could use more of that!

Kind of exciting this beginning! Some say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, I disagree. All I have to do is, as Captain Picard would say, "Make it so."

1. I've worn my Hello Kitty PJs to the supermarket.

2. When I kill a bug I scream.

3. I like to buy my clothes from the young miss section, they're sexier.

4. I look forward to the weekend so I can watch cartoons with my kids. Currently I'm hooked on Naruto, Zatch Bell, IGPX, SpongeBob, The Last Avitar, (oh never mind too many to list).

5. I still try to get my kids to wear outfits that match mine.

This morning was hazy, you know, I could see the sun, see the brightness but the clouds were in front of it. Thus, the scene was set for me to speak about managing my expectations.

As you all know I'm in the process of rebuilding my life after losing everything (without sounding redundant-no job, no money, no place to call my own).

I'm currently interviewing for a job. It's going well so far. I like them and they like me. I'd go so far to say that I think that the job is mine, WOULD SAY THAT IF I WASN'T MANAGING MY EXPECTATIONS.
I'd so love to feel the elation, the happiness, the joy of knowing that I nailed it. Knowing that something good was coming BUT, no...

This is something that I don't want to do but am required to given my situation. I don't want to be Eyore, I want to be Pooh! But I HAVE to do this because of the fragile state of mind I find myself in. I've no cushion, no reservoir, no net. If I fall now it takes me a lot longer to recover because I'm so low to begin with. I've managed to craft a numb state of being for myself during this time. It allows me to do the things I need to do and even interact with others as if nothing was wrong. The reason for this state is to stop the pain that comes when I think about my life as it is now. If I get depressed I'll spend more days depressed than usual, I'll be unable to do the things I need to do, and start to feel like this period of my life will never end. I even feel a low level of physical pain. It's during these times that I feel the consequences of my bad decisions most.

Others would call this realism. I understand realism is necessary but it's all so cold, so grey...And outside its gone from hazy to grey, grey, grey. As always, my favorite group is there with a song to convey my thoughts and emotions. Hope you enjoy...

Grey Street
Dave Matthews Band

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street.

She thinks, "Hey, how did I come to this?"
I dream myself a thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place.

There's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her it might
She says "I pray But they fall on deaf ears,
am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place? "

There's lonliness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It'd take the work out of courage
But she says "Please
There's a crazy man that's creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street
And the end of the world. "

There's an emptiness inside her
And she'll do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To Grey