Been reading this book entitled "Choices:making right decisions in a complex world" by Lewis B. Smedes. Excellent book! When I'm trying to figure something out I run down to the public library and get piles of books on the subject. I absolutely love to learn about things I don't know and as you all know decision making isn't one of my strong suits. Maybe you've seen me, I'm the one with the stack so high you can't see my face!

Anyway, when I first started to think about my decision to go back to Steve or stay with the kids I found this book (my search term was "decisions"). While skimming through it one particular section caught my eye. It described my situation to a T. My heart was torn in two directions and both sides, I felt, had validity. The section was entitled...

WHEN YOU CAN'T BE SURE, BE RESPONSIBLE

The author then goes on to ask HOW DO WE KNOW THAT WE ARE ACTING RESPONSIBLY. He then goes through a series of questions that one can ask themselves to help figure out if they are acting responsibly. Here are the questions...

1. HAVE I USED DISCERNMENT?

If you are discerning, you can tell the difference between what is important and what does not matter much in a human crisis. The author goes on to say that we often don't exercise it because we don't want to know what we might see if we used discernment IF WE DON'T SEE WHAT IS GOING ON OUR ACTIONS BECOME REACTIONS.

Ask yourself, have I tried to hear what people are really saying to me? Have I paid unbiased attention to all that is going on? Have I resisted the temptation to see only what I want to see?

2. HAVE I INTERPRETED THE QUESTION?

Every situation that involves us asks a question, "What will you do about me?" And every decision we make is an answer to that question. But a question needs to be interpreted. As we all know the facts of any situation can be interpreted in different ways and we cannot really answer the question that our situation is asking unless we interpret it before we act.

3. DID MY ACTION FIT THE SITUATION?

Appropriateness is a test of whether we are acting responsibly because responsible action is action that fits the situation. The author says that anyone who wants to make a responsible choice does well to ask, "Did I do what was appropriate to the unique situation that demanded a hard decision?"

4. DOES IT SUPPORT MY COMMITMENTS?

Responsible people dare to make and care to keep commitments. They also know when to break a commitment badly made and wrong to keep. When responsible people make a decision, they ask themselves, "How will it impact my significant commitments?" Sometimes the answer is, "It depends" but at least you have to ask the question.

5. IS IT CONGRUENT WITH MY ROLES?

Sooner or later we all take on roles (mother, wife, employee, etc.) and a responsible person plays out his/her role to the hilt. Here is where it got deep for me. The author asks, could it be that at least a few of our roles in life are the posts we are assigned, tasks we are given so that our lives can fulfill some point and purpose?

He asks, could it be that our roles are what we need to give staying power to our loves?

When we play our roles, other people can trust us to be the same person for them tomorrow that we are today. What would have happened to US if a few people in our lives had not stuck to their roles?

6. DID I USE MY IMAGINATION?

The author says that in human relationships imagination is the inward vision of LOVE. It is love's educated guess of what will happen to another person if we do what we think is right. We fail to use imagination, not because we were not lucky enough to have the gift, but because we don't pull ourselves far enough above our own desires, high enough to see ahead into how what we do will touch the lives of people. GOOD PEOPLE WITH LIMITED IMAGINATIONS CAN CONSPIRE TO GIVE INNOCENT PEOPLE PAIN.

7. AM I WILLING TO GO PUBLIC?

No explanation needed!

8. AM I WILLING TO ACCEPT CONSEQUENCES?
The author says that accepting the consequences of our choices is not a surefire test of whether the choice was good or bad. But it is a quality of character and, long term, the only way to keep life livable after we make our choices.

Love to all of you. Thanks for stopping by.

Can't thank everyone enough. I've been pouring over all of your comments like a schoolgirl preparing for a test. You are all so perceptive. The blessing in friends is that they bring the gift of objectivity to the table. Funny, my first reaction was did I paint such an awful picture of Steve? He's not that bad, I couldn't have fallen in love with someone THAT BAD!!!

Then I sat down (cup of tea in hand, as always) and thought about his good points, examples of how he loved me (other than putting up with me). And, darn it, I had a hard time coming up with anything.

There is so much to dissect but no time to do it now. The plan is for me to visit him this weekend and let him know when I will be coming back. He says that he's done waiting. I get that, if ones heart isn't into a long distance relationship then it just isn't.

BOTTOM LINE: What I will say to him is that I'm not going to come back before the end of the school year. At the end of the school year if Steve hasn't moved on I'll reevaluate the situation.

This is the best I can do for right now. I'll have peace knowing that I was honest with myself and took care of what mattered the most. As to the relationship, well I just can't speak to that right now...

The facts of the situation are that the children's dad works until 8pm monday-thursday. He just got the job so he needs to make a good impression. Also, he is bipolar (he's been managing very well lately) but if I added this stress to his plate there is a chance he would get sick. My children don't need to see their father go through an episode and there's a chance he could lose his job. Again, he has a job, neither Steve or I do! Someone needs to make money to support my children. If I went back the children would have close to 4 hours of aftercare, 4 nights a week (assuming I could find anyone to watch them an additional 2 hours, the corporate daycare they go to closes at 6pm). That is too much and I will not put my children through such an ordeal. Both are doing well in school and we all know that children need stability. This would be too drastic of a change for them, such an awful betrayal by the one who is supposed to love them more than anyone else in the world. I know that if I did it it would wound their souls. They wouldn't be fully aware of the damage until they got older but it would eventually surface and it would be my fault. Going back to Steve right now would be a BAD DECISION!

AND IT ALL COMES BACK AROUND TO BAD DECISIONS AGAIN, DOESN'T IT???

My resolution was to STOP making BAD DECISIONS, now is the time to start.

To all my dear friends in the stream thank you for your comments on a most difficult and life altering decision. I'll go to sleep tonight with a lot to think about but with a heart that's a bit lighter because of friends who helped me carry the burden. Hugs back to all of you!

My name is Janet and I need trying to decide whether or not to stay in a 6 year "living together engagement that never turned into marriage" relationship. I'll try to be brief but it's a long story.

I met Steve 2 years after the end of my 1st marriage. At that time Steve had custody of his 2 children and I had custody of my 2 children. Since then we have had a child of our own, she is 3 years old. When I met Steve he was a successful professional making close to 6 figures. However, 2 years after we met he was removed from his position, not for incompetency but due to the fact that with having 2 small children he was unable to fulfill his time commitment to the company. He was given the option to find another job within the company but elected to leave and start his own business. Up until his leaving this job he had worked continuously since graduation from college. In the meantime, I was a fulltime working professional myself also making close to 6 figures. At this time we were living apart.

Well, the business didn't go well. It just turned into him selling off his assets, buying high end items low-fixing them-and then selling them, an occasional odd job, and LOTS of borrowing. During this time I sold my house and my 2 children and I moved in with him. For a while Steve managed to keep all of the balls in the air. My income helped and during a car crisis he borrowed $20k from me. I gave it to him without hesitation. A couple of times during this period he would admit that the business wasn't working and say that he was going to get a job but he never followed through. It would have been so easy for him, he has so many highly sought after credentials. Ultimately, I don't think he wanted a job.

OK, fast forward a bit and our baby is born. I'm absolutely at my witts end. My job is an hours drive away, I have an infant, and 2 elementary school children to care for. As I got farther and farther behind at work it became clear to myself and management that I was having problems. During this time I wasn't getting much help from Steve. He described himself as a "hands off" type of parent. Around this time my company offered me a buy out and I took it. Steve thought it a good idea for me to stay home with the baby. So with his blessings I ended a 13+ year career.

Then I started to dip into my 401K to keep us going. I spent it all (over $100K) and now I have nothing left. I'm in a big financial hole and will probably have to file for bankruptcy. Well, bad went to worse after all my money was gone. Steve continued on, however, the mortgage was always on the verge of foreclosure. Finally, it got so bad that Steve made an attempt to kill himself. When he got home from the hospital he borrowed money from his family on the condition that he would sell his house and move back to where his family lived. HE MADE THIS DECISION WITHOUT ME. Partly because I was emotionally unavailable to him at the time due to the stress of caring for my children, the finances, and his attempted suicide.

As it got closer to moving day Steve asked me if I was coming with him. At first I wasn't really sure. I knew that I really didn't want to move to that part of the country (I just can't get into rural living, I'm a true suburban girl) but eventually I said yes. Partly because I had no other options of supporting myself and partly, mostly because I loved him and could not imagine life without him. We moved and with the proceeds of the house he brought a house and paid off his debts, which now included child support (during this time he had given up custody of his children). Steve also prepaid a years worth of lease for a business site. The plan was to start a business again.

Fast forward again and we are here in October, 2005. The business didn't work out and Steve now has to move out. I can't say that he really worked hard at getting the business going. When Steve and I moved I sent my 2 children to live with their father in another state (10 hour drive) because of the uncertainty of my relationship with him. I didn't want the children to move and then move again if the relationship didn't work out. I also didn't feel that my children would have thrived emotionally in that part of the country. Finally, as I mentioned before I and never been thrilled with Steve's parenting style. We fought about how the children should be treated.

Right away I realized that I was going to have problems not having custody of my children. My answer to that was to go visit my children once a month for a week at a time. Well, as you can imagine this put further strain on the relationship. We didn't have the money to spare and Steve didn't like the idea of me being away so often (but ultimately he put up with it and gave me the money to go).

The next to the final chapter came this summer. We had all of our children with us and it was horrible. We barely had enough money to feed the kids at times. Most of the time the kids and I were stuck in the house watching TV or sitting on the porch staring out into space. We had no phone, no internet, and no health insurance!

Because of all the stress we argued and he drank (he didn't drink like this before this point). During the drinking if he didn't breakup with me and tell me to get out once he did it a dozen times. During one of our fights he said that I was alone, without resources, and that he was going to take our child away from me. After hearing that I tried to leave. He then tried to restrain me (again first time something like this ever happened). When I tried to leave he threw me down and twisted my leg hard. He then smacked me on the back of the head. I had the baby in my arms the whole time!

By now you might be wondering just where I am in the world. Well, the baby and I have been staying with my other children's dad (platonic, nothing funny going on). I've been helping their dad watch them after school which enables him to work and earn money to support them. Steve has been more or less supportive of this. However, recently he said that while he loved me and wanted me to come back he was going to find someone else if I didn't come back soon. I'm literally poised to stay here and start my life over again-get a job and get back control of my life. It would be so easy to do it now.

I've lost a lot of ground in a lot of areas during my relationship with Steve. Heck, in some categories I've gone from very positive to very negative. I have not pursued many of the things that give me joy and peace (pursuit of my spirituality, physical health, friends and family) because I've been too busy with the drama of being with Steve. I haven't been myself for a long time and I miss me!

So what's the problem? Why am I not running from Steve, well, I love him! and really, really want to have a life with him. We have a child together and that was the original intent. I've never felt more loved by anyone in my life and that love, WHEN I'M FEELING IT is like a warm blanket on a cold day. He makes me feel sexy and smart. He is this handsome, exciting bad boy who tells me often that he loves me and shows it by doing what he can to make me happy (like putting up with my absences when I go visit my kids). I know and feel down to my bones that he honestly loves me. This is it, TRUE LOVE! I've never had a love like this and I'm afraid to walk away from it. Afraid that I'll never find anyone else to love me so completely. And let me be honest, love by a man is a priority in my life. I need to be loved and love back.

So Dr. Laura, what do you think? Should I stay where I am or go back to Steve. Maybe I'll go back and he'll get a job that supports us (he says that he's looking!) and allows me to travel back and forth to see my children. Maybe he's done with what seems to me as self-destructive behavior. Maybe I'll go back and get a job and be content with seeing my 2 children during holidays and summer vacations. Or maybe I'll choose this moment to grow up and make a hard, painful but necessary decision to end a relationship that isn't much of a relationship and do what I know to be the best thing for my 3 children and myself. However, I hate the thought of depriving my baby of growing up with his father, the baby is so very attached to her dad and cries for him often. Also, our other children have grown up with each other and will feel a loss if the family is broken up.

I don't know what to do. Help!!!

Detachment is experiencing your feelings without allowing your feelings to control you. It is choosing what you will do in a situation rather than having the situation dictate what you will do.

Feelings like SADNESS, HAPPINESS, DISAPPOINTMENT, JOY, FRUSTRATION, ANGER - are natural. Everyone has them. Detachment is a way to use thinking and feelings together, so that you don't let your feelings run away with you.

Detachment does not mean you pretend to feel differently than you do. It doesn't mean you pretend to like something that makes you angry. Some people think detachment is being cold or pretending not to care, but when they try it,they find it is a joyful experience.

Feelings are wonderful when they belong to us, when we use them to do what we really want and choose to do.

Detachment means to feel what you feel but not have to act on the feeling unless you want to. It's kind of like standing beside yourself and watching what you are feeling as well as feeling it.

Excerpt from "The Virtues Guide" by Linda Popov, Dan Poppv, John Kavelin

This week will be my week to practice this virtue. It's a hard one for me but without it I'll be doomed. Got a big decision to make and I don't want to end up like this again!