with my demons that it. Arrrgh!!!
Usually, I take something, anything over the counter (benadryl, acetaminophen, excedrin), to make sure I stay asleep. I'm almost happy to have a headache, it gives me an excuse.
Anyway, I don't do this on the weekends because I know I've got to give my system a break and don't want to permanently mess up my sleep cycle. Before all of this I slept pretty well.
What do they say, a person with a clear conscience sleep soundly?
As I said, when I don't take anything I wake up 1x, 2x, 3x,...and all that's left to do is think...
and think...about what I did wrong.
Last week Colo wrote two poems discussing demons, they were wonderful!!! and since then I've realized what I had been doing by medicating myself...AVOIDING THE DEMONS.
Not that it's an entirely bad thing, I do have to get a good night's sleep. I have 3 children and I HAVE to be able to function, and function well during the day...and I need sleep to do that!!!
One of Colo's poems discussed the fact that when we embrace our demons they are not as bad as we thought and, of course, we grow when we develop ways to deal with them. The other poem discussed the fact that we deal with the demons during the night but gain relief when the sun rises (thank God, I couldn't imagine thinking dealing with this on a constant basis).
All of this reminds me of one of my favorite movies, "Jacob's Ladder" with Tim Robertson and Danny Aiello (sp). It's about a man who's memories are causing him to fight to stay on this earthly plane while his spirit is seeking to be free from it. Danny (forget the character's name) plays an angel who is trying to help Jacob make the journey. In the end the angel gives this beautiful speech that all of the demons that Jacob saw along the way were really angels trying to set him free. It was a matter of how one looked at it. I instantly knew that I loved the movie but didn't know why...now I do.
Specifically, my demon is Co-dependency.
I thought about all of my actions and how I didn't think about myself and my children but the state of my relationship and what I could do to make Steve happy. In the process I lost myself...
But in all fairness to him, I see that it was a role that I invited him to play. Most of my relationships with men have been of this nature. At times Steve would say, "I hate treating you like a child." Yet I know that on some level I set the stage...his part in the drama was to just be himself.
What I'm trying to say is that if I want things to change I have to be willing to change myself!!!
CONCLUSION:...I guess last nights sleeplessness was OK. Off to the library I go to grab some books on Co-dependency. I've dealt with this before but it's time to rethink somethings. I had no idea that Co-dependency could be so costly...Hopefully I'm on my way back to a good unmedicated night's sleep...
she absolutely conveys the way I feel. I'm not trying to be down on myself...it's just me at the moment. Try not to laugh too hard. But in a way I think it's healthy because I'm seeing humor in what really is a God awful situation!!!
