Yet I Can't Let You Go

I'm so mad at myself...what is this love between us made of?
For so long it's held us together yet torn us apart.
Yet, I can't let you go...will you let me go?

I've walked away from you a million times...sensed that it wasn't right...but run back to you a million and 1 times.
I've lied to you so many times...sensed that you wouldn't protect my interests, sensed that you didn't care...I see your wounds and know that they're destructive to others. I know you'll never heal...but still, I love you.

I can't let you go...will you let me go?



I Try
by Macy Grey

Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together babe
But we're not

I play it off but I'm dreaming of you
And I'll keep my cool, but I'm fiendin

I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not there
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not there

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
And I may seem all right and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
Just a front, hey
I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
And I'll keep my cool but I'm feignin'

I try to say goodbye and I choke
(Yeah)
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not there
Goodbye and I choke
(Yeah)
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not there

Here is my confession
May I be your possession
Boy I need your touch
Your love, kisses and such
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
Deny

I play it off but I'm dreaming of you
(But I'm dreaming of you babe)
And I'll keep my cool but I'm feenin'

I try to say goodbye and I choke
(Yeah)
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try
(Try to hide it)
To hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not there
(When you are not there ahh)
Goodbye and I choke
(Yeah yeah yeah)
I try to walk away and I stumble
(Hey hey hey)
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
(Say it Lord)
My world crumbles (Lord)
When you are not there
(The Lord kisses us)

Goodbye and I choke
(I'm choking)
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
(When you are not near yeah yeah yeah)
Yeah yeah

Ready, Set, Go...

#1. My mom used to work as a housekeeper when I was young. All of the families that she worked for were Jewish. During Passover there was lots of extra work and the families would call my mom in to work during the Seder. Taking place the first 2 nights of the 8 day holiday, the Seder is the most important event in the Passover celebration. Usually gathering the whole family and friends together, the Seder is steeped in long held traditions and customs. Sometimes my mom would take me along. While she was working I got to run around with the kids and when the meal was served I got to sit down with the family...I was part of the family.

I did this for many years...and it is one of my best childhood memories.

#2. Funny story related to #1...special foods are set out on the table. One of them being Horseradish. Thinking that I knew what I was doing I grabbed a big spoon of it, slapped it on a cracker, and jammed it into my mouth.

This one is one of my less cherished childhood memories.

#3. Heartwarming story related to #1...mom and I were close to one particular family. The dad, who was a lawyer, was one of my role models and the main reason why I went to law school. When I graduated he flew down to my graduation in his private jet with my brother. My mom liked the mom's name and that is were my name came from.

#4. My first car was a Fire Engine Red Ferrari...



HA, HA...no, it was a blue Pontiac Sunbird with manual transmission. Only one problem...I forgot to tell anyone that I didn't know how to drive a shift. My dad had to drive it home. I think it cost $7,700 back in 1984.

#5. One of the only shows on TV that I watch is License to Grill on Discovery Home. Grilling is my favorite was to cook and I want to move in with Rob, the show's host, and have him give me private lessons.

Hope y'all are having a great Friday...see you in the stream.

Thanks my friends...as I always say to Colo...the magic of the stream for me is that I reach out and others reach back. Yesterday was rough and I'm still processing it all. Still a lot of emotions to deal with...I fear I'm not my usual self tonight. I'm drained emotionally and physically. I've been sitting at my computer surfing the web for motivational quotes in an attempt to occupy my mind in a positive way.

But that's no excuse to not take the time to tell you all how much you mean to me...but for y'all I would not be coming through all of this in one piece.

I'll be back to visiting everyone soon. I hope you all are well...I wish each and everyone of you peace tonight.

Thanks my friends...your gift of friendship is priceless.

Today was another Steve day...he just called and bitched at me for making the decision to bring my children to live with their father as opposed to living with Steve and I. He said that he was done with my way of thinking...he said that the relationship was over. I said OK and he hung up.

There was one main reason that contributed to my decision to do so...

LACK OF RACIAL DIVERSITY....

I was concerned that my children would be the ONLY African Americans in an all white environment. Where the children are now is wonderfully diverse. I constantly try to explain to Steve that it's not the abundance of whites but the lack of blacks that I have a problem with (remember that posting I did asking how important it was to have your partner believe in you...this issue is where that question came from). He said that I was playing word games and hung up on me.

I am not playing word games...all of my friends are white, my baby is half white for God's sake, my first husband is half white, etc, etc, etc. You get the point. IT JUST WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO HAVE BEEN AROUND OTHERS WHO LOOKED LIKE ME. I wouldn't have felt like such a freak!!! Just for the sake of validation of my features, that's it.

I just need my babies to have a positive teenage experience and, correct me if I'm wrong...a BIG part of that is tied into the dating scene. My beautiful daughter with the hazel eyes will be deprived of being one of the cute girls. No fault of the kids that she'll be in school with just a matter of exposure. I think part of our concept of beauty is based on one's family of origin.

What did I base this on?...my childhood. I grew up the only African American in an all white town. For the most part it was fine. I made friends and had an OK life. That was until puberty hit and it was time to start interacting with the opposite sex. No fault of anyone's I just wasn't their idea of beauty.

So I had to "import" someone to go to my 8th grade dance and went to the prom with a friend. Again...this was OK, I dealt with it. The long-term problem was that because I didn't have that positive reflection from others regarding my physical appearance I never developed it.

And that's where the pain came in...I was lonely and didn't feel that I fit in. I never felt attractive and I think I did a lot of stupid things to attract men (mindless, stupid sex) to me because I had such low self-esteem. I suffered a lot of emotional scars because of this behavior and mindset. To this day I believe that this mindset probably has a impact on my ability to not be able to separate from a bad relationship...I'm afraid that I'll never again find someone who thinks that I'm pretty. Objectively speaking while I'm not drop dead beautiful, I am pretty.

Now, 20 some years later Steve is asking me to subject my children (1 boy, 1 girl) to the same situation...I just can't do it. He says that racial relations have changed, look at our interracial relationship. But in a small rural southern town I wonder...how much has really changed While I do realize that racial relations are much better I JUST CAN'T TAKE THAT CHANCE WITH MY CHILDREN...I know how painful it could be and WHAT IF I'M WRONG. For what it's worth I know I'm biased, I see that.

While the child that Steve and I have together would be fine (she is mixed and looks more white than black) I'm not willing to make my other 2 children the racial ambassadors of South Western Virginia (right down the road from the house someone is flying a Confederate Flag that is not meant to be a symbol of southern pride)...I think that would be a BAD DECISION.

AM I WRONG