Here's a bit more detail concerning the weekend...I went primarily because I wanted to see him and I wanted him to see the baby. So having said that I have to admit that I had mixed feeling about going down. The gist of it is that I'm in the process of putting my shattered life back together and as you can guess that that takes money. Part of the trip took money out of my pocket...but I wanted to see him.
Thus, the conflict...but anyway, I went
I don't think it was a good or bad decision, just OK.
But while I was down there I kept in mind some of the thoughts and sentiments that you guys have shared with me...
Dazey told me to keep my eyes open...Taylor and others mentioned that he should be doing more to keep me...Colo said to be careful that I didn't become his hostage again...Wayf has reinforced the concept of being in the moment not the past or future...Hope and Cher have encouraged me to stand up for myself...Raven and Ornery have helped me to understand self-esteem and how it's developed...
words of support and encouragement that allowed me to come this far from...Kelly, Lou, Lucy, Kitcat, CarrotCake, Gary, Johnnie, Six, Val, Prank, Marvin, Scratch, Mac, NightBug, Whit, Nik, Connie, NotAgain, BigChris, Blumoon, Jess the Pug, Topaz, PolarB, Kaz, Pie, AM, Madie, Solid, Woogs (yes, even the Supreme Ruler Himself) and everyone who I can't think of but just look down my list of favorite blogs plus other new friends I've just met.
And of course, my dear Rosie, who's held my hand through the computer wires...keeping my going...helping me to see the bigger picture...
So having said all of that...here are some observations I made this weekend...
I finally see (or to be honest, am willing to admit) that Steve has, for lack of a better term, a death wish. In other words (his words) his life doesn't mean anything to him. He lives for the ones he loves but he's not happy being in this world. The big issue that he is facing now is that his child support payments are very past due. To the point where he has to go to court in 2 weeks and if he is found in contempt he will go to jail. He's trying to raise the money by selling off his assets, however, he says that if he does not have the money by the court date he will flee. In the meantime all of this has made him so miserable that he has attempted to take his life.
My revelation about his state of mind came when I outright asked him why he wouldn't borrow the money using the house that he owns outright as collateral. He didn't give me a straight answer but the gist of it was...no. He then went into how it didn't take much for him to just not care about living because he was so disappointed about his life and people.
Now, it's clear that he's got a big dose of depression to deal with and his mother is trying to get him into see professional help...God help the woman, she's got her work cut out for her!!! Steve has many issues. He had a fair amount of physical and emotional abuse in his childhood at the hands of a alcoholic, womanizing, self-hating father.
Another interesting thing that happened was that I said things that wouldn't have said in the future, however, some topics I caved as usual.
One moment came when he once again asked if the baby could stay with him. In the past I just dance around the issue, throwing out reasonable objections. This time he asked and I guess I was more
direct this time (I don't remember my words) but he said back to me..."this is the first time you've outright rejected the idea." I also came right out and said that I was just plain board in SW Virginia. I told him to consider moving to where I was because he had no ties to Virgina...he said no based on the principle of the matter.
So, that's the gist (I keep using that word today what's up with that)
of the weekend. As I said in my last post I don't know where we're at. I collected a bunch of my DVDs and he asked why...I said they were my movies and if we were breaking up I was going to take them...he let me take them.
Who knows, this all be moot in a couple of weeks anyway.
I'm off to try to shake this heavy feeling I have. It's a mix of sadness and general frustration with not being able to move in one direction or the other.
Did someone say chocolate
and exercise...lots and lots of stairmaster hours!!!
and I need to devote my energy to doing things that will help me put my life back together...
