For a long time now I've been tormented by this phrase. Never knowing fully what it meant but having a sickening feeling that I had not achieved it. However, I believe that I'm at a point where I get it...or at least in this one particular area.

Past relationships...two marriages (one legal, one common law)

I've come to the point with both that I realize that I did the best that I could've done to make the relationship work. And I guess that's my definition of living without regret. That you do the best you can to achieve the best result in any situation. That you do it with honesty, integrity, and love. Always love.

The one regret, obviously, is the behavior on my part that contributed to the end of the relationship. Of course, it takes two to tango and both of my partners contributed to the demise of each relationship.

My bad behavior and the problem with the first marriage was that I did love spending money more than I loved him and our life together. At that time I wasn't strong enough to move past that point. I didn't have the maturity nor the incentive to do so.

The problem with my relationship with Steve was that I was so co-dependent that I gave him everything to try to make him happy. I gave him my heart and soul. And after it was all gone and we got to the do or die moment I discovered that he didn't love me as much as he loved himself nor did he love me the way that I thought he did.

Those are the areas of regret and while it is sad, especially because there were children involved in both relationships, I'm learning to be gentle with myself and accept what happened.

Not minimizing...just accepting it for what it is...life and the mistakes that we make because we are human.

What I have to be proud about is that I stuck with each relationship till the end through the pain. With my first marriage we had to go through the Bahai practice called a Year of Patience. During this time the couple agrees to not split but put forth and honest to God effort the reconcile. I did this, I begged, I pleaded but ultimately he filed for divorce.

What I have to be proud about concerning my relationship with Steve is that I did all that I could. I drained my 401K to keep us afloat, I moved to SW VA when the pressure was too much for him to stay where we were, I tried to be a non-custodial parent. I gave until I could give no more. I gave until I realized that if I gave anymore I'd die.

Thus, I have little regret in the area of my past relationships.

I regret like hell emptying my 401K but that is another issue. Gonna have to work on that one a little bit longer.

I also now get why it's so important to live with little or no regret. Doing so frees me up to boldly step into the future. When my next relationship comes I'll be there with an unencumbered heart. I know that there will be moments of sadness but there will be no living in the past. Wondering what if I had done this and what if I had done that. It truly is a good feeling and real reason to try to live life without regret.

Love ya all...take care.

Good news!!! I finally got myself back into the gym. Started this week with a personal trainer. That's one of the reasons why you all haven't seen much of me...I've officially started getting my life back.


Lost a lot of ground while I was with Steve. I just stopped doing a lot of the things that made me happy and being in good physical shape was one of those things I missed.

Anyway, the training starts off with an assessment of your current physical condition. They want to make sure that you will not drop dead and sue the gym. The nice thing was that the trainer said that I wasn't too out of shape. To the contrary, he thought that I was better off than the average 43 year old...he said that I must of had good genes and that it wouldn't take me long to achieve my fitness goals.

I wonder if that was when I was supposed to tip him.

So the first day I got a tour of the machines and did the stairmaster. But while I was climbing those stairs and looking around (gotta look around, it's the gym, right?) I noticed something. It seemed to me that the choice of personal listening device was somehow connected to one's age.

The older folks, i.e. the retirees, were all sporting radio headsets. I guess to tune in those oldies stations.

The middle-aged people, like me (God, that sounds so weird), had CD players. However, the problem with CD players is that if you want to listen to something different you have to take the CD out of the player, and do this and do that...all while maintaining your balance and not falling off of the stairmaster.

Cause people are looking, right?...it's the gym.

Of course, all of the youngsters had MP3 players...


Funny the things that define us, huh?

A truly wonderful and heartwarming moment just occurred. Some how, some way my children just communicated to each other in their sleep.

The baby half woke up and sensing that mom wasn't there by her side cried out...my oldest immediately responded in his sleep by calling out her name, in such a manner as to ask, are you OK?...followed by a response from the middle child, just chiming in and letting them know not to leave her out of the exchange.

Moments like this are the stuff that makes life good. Me and my 3 cubs...I love em. Except today they're froggies cause I wanted to post this cute froggie picture (hope the little buggers aren't poisionous...my luck they are).


Have a great day y'all.

Hello all...good to be back. I missed you guys. So you may be wondering...how did the visit go? Well, it went OK. Grab a cup of tea, this is going to be a long one. The weekend really was all about the kids...Steve had his visiting and I had mine. It was nice for them to be together once again. Since Steve and I had been together for 6 years they grew up with each other. They're a great bunch of kids and they like each other so much. Because of the breakup my two asked if they would ever see Steve's two again. I said yes, they could go down for part of their school summer vacation when the baby went to visit his dad.

As to the interaction between Steve and I there wasn't much. I can only speak for myself. But what I think happened was that there were no expectations for a relationship anymore, in other words my hope for the two of us getting back together are dead. Thus, I felt no pain, no sadness, no anger, or sense of loss.

What killed it? I think the minute he told me about that other woman something snapped...don't know how else to explain it. Our conversations centered around how visits were going to go. Of course he expressed frustration at my choice but even that was rather resigned and unfeeling.

While there I had an interesting conversation with a friend...but to be honest she is my sister-in-law in a round about way. She is in a relationship with Steve's brother. And we have spoken many times about their similar personalities. My heart goes out to her, she is such a wonderful person, and she is as unhappy as I was. However, the brother lives with her and if she chooses to separate from him it will not be easy. The problem is that while Steve and his brother appear to be giving individuals at their core is a selfish streak. With the brother the problem is that he drinks and its has caused him to be fired and pull her into the emotional jaunts that he launches into whenever he drinks.

My message to her, while I may sound harsh, was that he had to be told how much the drinking was affecting her and if he didn't do anything about it the truth of the matter was that he loved drinking more than he loved her. But she already knew this.

The point to all of this being that while I wouldn't want my mate to LIVE for me...I would like to know that he would consider my feelings in decisions that he made about his life. For instance, Steve is terrible about taking care of his body. And this would be fine if he lived by himself but I, as his partner, had to make accommodations that were not necessary. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about leaving him to suffer but I would expect that if there was a problem he would do what he could to fix it for himself and for me. Does that make sense.

And then...well he just had to end it with a bang. He told me to get a new car seat for the baby and put gas in the truck but not to spend over a certain amount. My fault, I did...just wasn't paying attention in my rush to get started on my 10 hour journey with 3 kids!!! What it meant to him if the account did go over was that he was going to have to make a 30 drive down the road to cover it.

Well half way into the trip I get a phone call from him. He had been stopped for speeding and the fact that he got a ticket was because of his ex-wife who required him to drive an extra distance. And me, what had I done...why had I been so selfish...couldn't I think about anyone except myself. Why is everyone out to screw him? I said that I was sorry and that it was my fault. I should have paid more attention.

But I'm thinking in the back of my head...you bastard, I just drove 10 hours each way so that you could visit with your child. I'm the one who is going to be in the hole financially, once again, because of this trip. This isn't a zero sum game it's a negative sum game. Every time I make the trip I take two steps back in getting my life back together. And then, after all that he had the nerve to say... ...

...Well before you did THIS I was going to ask you to get back together

OMG...could his love be anymore conditional.

I chuckled...see ya Steve. At least I got my pictures this time.

Note to my next love...really don't need you to revolve your world around me just see me, love me, and appreciate me.