This 40 something learned something from a 20 something today. We talked for about 20 minutes and she mentioned something that blew my mind.

Basically, she said that one can't be afraid of taking action in life. She said that for years she prayed to God to help her with the graduate school exam. When she 'heard' back from God she was told that until she took the exam God couldn't bless her. She finally took it and passed!!!

She also said that every day she wakes up she expects to receive a blessing or be a blessing to someone, thus she acts accordingly. Meaning that each day she goes out into the world with a smile on her face, open to meeting new people and seeking out new experiences.

This young woman was actually glowing at the thought of how joyful life was and in that moment I thought about how I experienced life. And I realized I came no where near her enthusiasm.

I think God sent me a message today...

I had a funny thought the other day as I looked down at the stack of books that I've recently checked out of the library. As y'all know I'm on a journey to put my life back together. But as every traveller knows, you can't get anywhere without knowledge...directions...recon!!! So here's the stack...

I figured that I needed "...to Practice the Way to a Meaningful Life" while I was building the "Ultimate Body" and undergoing the "Picture Perfect Weight Loss: 30 Day Plan." The career remains on the front burner so I have to continue to develop the "Perfect Resume" and "...Write a Business Plan" for work. Of course, realizing that I need my own space I'm looking for "Free Money To Get a Better Home." Finally, forever being the dreamer, I hope to eventually "Fall in Love For All the Right Reasons" knowing that once I've found him I want to "Love Smart" and "Live Romantically Every Day." But I'm not unreasonable, not me, I know that ultimately "One Small Step Can Change Your Life."

So you see, I'm a REAL busy person these days!!!

Can anyone say...R U crazy

Hi Gretchen, good to see ya!!! MaryElizabeth driving you crazy these days...

Today as I was walking back to the house in the chilly rain I started thinking about the nature of emotional pain. Why, how, did it come up? Just the realization that I had chosen two men to be my partners who ultimately came to have utter disdain and scorn for me. It hurt. Today seems to be a particularly painful day, don't know why So anyway, I wrote this thing...

EMOTIONAL PAIN

I feel the pain but I can't get to it to heal it. All I can do is find ways to deal with it. For I know that only time with totally heal the pain.

Advice from friends help to understand it,

kind words help to deaden it,

keeping busy helps to temporarily escape it,

but in the end the pain remains, until time can totally heal it.

Happy Mother's day to you all but personally I'm not in the mood for it. I honestly am feeling all of my failures more acutely today Kinda like Valentine's Day with out a sweetie sometimes makes one feel especially lonely...Mother's Day when I've made so many mistakes that effect my children makes me feel like a bad mom and ultimately a failure in the one category that means the most to me.

As I said I believe that the minute that one has children they pretty much are devoted 100% to those children. Every action has to, in some way, factor in the children's well being.

But over the years I've failed to do that. As I chased Steve all over the place and moved them from school to school I didn't put their welfare first. When I drained my 401k dry I didn't think about them. And now that I'm here living under the roof with their dad with nothing to my name and subject to his scorn I can't imagine thinking of myself as a good mom. Plus, because I'm dealing with what one could call a low level of depression know that I'm not interacting with them properly.

How do I tell them that their mom is so sad but that this condition won't exist for long. That I'll be back on top one day. That I won't have to take anything for anyone soon. That I'll get back to the point where I can afford tennis lessons or art supplies. And more importantly, I'll be more attentive and have more joy.

All that they see, and we know that kids are limited to what they see, is their mom sitting at the computer day after day. But for right now I need to sit at this computer. My lifeline exists within. I've found the strength to start and work towards starting over here in Blogstream. All of my friends have played a major role in my healing and I'm less depressed because of everyone here. In my real world I don't have the support that I have from y'all and I'm just not strong enough yet to be on my own.

This Mother's Day hurts...hurts alot. And it's all my damm fault... God willing next year will be better.

For this year the best I can do is know that I've finally started to be a good mom cause I've finally started to put the cubs before myself.

My friend Whit over at Whit's Whittings posed an interesting question to me after one of my posts bemoaning my relationships with "Bad Boys." He asked why some women were attracted to them? I believe Whit addressed a part of this question when he did his posts on Burly, Girly, and Twirly men. Great posts...if you missed them I recommend you go back into his archives. However, I did a bit of my own research on the subject.

But right off the bat let me point out that it's not necessarily that they're more physically attractive or smarter or more successful than the "nice guys". In fact, they can have fewer of these qualities, yet be harder to resist.

One of the articles that I read defined "Bad Boys" as males who treat women poorly. Examples of bad behavior include never having any money when you are out, flirting openly with other women when you are together, forgetting important date, etc. The article went on to give actual statements from women who have a history of attraction to these guys. Such as..."It's never BORING with him"..."He's strong, aggressive and self-assured; I feel safe with him"..."It's not his fault; he's trying to get his life together"..."I haven't met anyone else that makes me feel the way he does"..."He's so charming and passionate"..."He tells me how much he likes me, so he must really feel something for me"..."He needs me"..."I can't believe I've attracted someone like him"

Now, on the face of these statements they seem pretty benign. We all seek at least some of these traits in the men we choose. So, where's the problem? Essentially it's in his inability to meet the woman's fundamental needs. She's the one doing all (or most) of the giving.

The article indicated that answer could be found by exploring three basic issues:

~level of self-esteem

~capacity for intimacy

~roles that she has been in throughout her life

If a woman feels good about herself, she chooses a mate who communicates both verbally and non-verbally to her that she is valued and respected. She won't allow this other person to undermine her positive self-worth. She believes in her ability to participate in a healthy, reciprocal relationship. If she doesn't feel good about herself, she chooses someone who reinforces her negative self-beliefs.

If a woman is capable of true intimacy, she is open to the true availability of the other person. She wants him to be a full and active participant in the relationship. She can allow herself to be open, vulnerable and able to take as well as to receive all that true intimacy offers. If intimacy is difficult, she choose someone who is distant, hard to connect with and not emotionally and/or physically available.

If a woman has had a healthy role in her relationships since childhood, she will choose someone with whom she can continue this healthy interaction. If a woman has been too long in the role of rescuer, caregiver or the one who sacrifices for the good of others, this will probably be the role she will seek out in her relationships.

Fortunately, most women fall somewhere in between on these issues. So the task is to evaluate yourself in each area and decide on a course of action that will help you to choose a "nice guy", who stirs your senses and meets your needs while being truly available for a real relationship.

The article ended by saying that one must begin with an assessment of what you value most in life and cannot live without. Once you know what is most important to you and believe that you are worthy of achieving it, you will have taken a giant step towards finding the right partner for you.

So there you go Whit. I'm so glad that I did this cause I learned a lot in the process, as I hoped I would. Stay tuned as I work through my issues folks. I do see some here for me. However, I think there's hope for me... Truth be told I'll be looking for a hybred... So would that be a naughty "nice guy" or a nice "Bad boy"