I know what's wrong with me...I'm cursed!!! Yeah, I heard of these things and this must be it...seriously. Remember the story of Sleeping Beauty? (See below) Makes perfect sense...I got all the gifts but then because of a innocent mix up of invitations I got cursed...and then the inevitable happened...I started making decisions!!! Works for me as well as any other reason I can come up to explain my behavior.



Let me start by saying that I appreciate you all so much and I have been listening to what you've been saying to me during the past week. That I'm only human and making mistakes is part of the journey...to stop being so hard on myself cause it's a part of life...hang in through the pain...the sun will shine brighter after the storm subsides...hope will come back and I'll find my way again....count my blessings and take comfort in what I have. And while I AM greatfull for all that God has blessed me with I just can't seem to find any comfort right now...the pain is right there on the surface denying me any relief. I've no doubt that when it lets me go everything will kick in but for right now it's still got me...telling me how foolish I was...the best I can do is go through my daily routines and try to tolerate it as best I can...plus I can't, in good conscious, allow myself any comfort right now...like I said it just seems right for me to suffer for my foolishness right now. But I have no doubt that I'll eventually get to the point where it all makes sense (God, I hope so) but not yet...

You see I have yet to determine whether a paradigm shift is warranted or not...that is whether I'm normal human flawed or abnormally flawed...and if it's the latter what the heck do I do with that!

This last bad decision and it's outcome has brought me to the point of total and complete disillusionment. You know the moment when people give up on their dreams and decide to settle for what life hands them rather than pursuing their own dreams. Up until this point I've always known in my heart of hearts that everything would be OK...having a positive outlook has always been a part of ME...my core so to say...don't know how or why just knew it but I'm not so sure any more. Right now I'm at the moment in the movie when the main character loses their faith and has to do something drastic like go to Tibet for 7 years to begin again. Of course, I can't do that but if I had the means I'd pack it all up for a year and just go away.

You see the new relationship meant so much to me, I put so much into it. More than I should have, perhaps. But after so much saddness in my life I wanted to be happy and I was with him. I don't think anyone would fault me for that. Come on, if one doesn't have to do it alone why would they? A burden shared is easier to carry especially with someone you love. And I knew that he couldn't be my salvation but that's OK cause I'm my own. I've stood tall and strong these past months by myself and achieved a lot as I worked to regain control of my life.

You all know that I'm not some weak woman who needs a man to make it all OK...to validate me. I can and do that on my own. What I wanted was someone to share it all with. But as I looked at this most recent heartbreak a bit more I was able to see where a great amount of the pain was coming from. I have to acknowledge that there is a part of love for me that does result in a validation of sorts. That my partner loves me DESPITE all of my flaws and mistakes. Someone who would continue to want to be with me even if I messed up. This quality is part of true love for me.

And I suppose we all have different ways that we want to be loved, however this love that I speak of will help me make sense of all of my mess ups. And listen!!!...I'm not talking about the love fixing the specific problems...that's for me to do...I know that!!!...I quit my job and it's up to me to get my career back on track no one can do that for me.

But the man, the one who will be my true love, will look into my eyes and I'll look into his and know that it's OK. And even if things aren't OK we'll get through it together which ultimately makes it OK. Very simplistic but it makes sense to me. Somehow being loved by him will ease the pain and begin to heal some of my wounds. He'll even forgive me for any transgressions I've unknowingly committed against him purely as a way of loving me, knowing that I'm prone to bad decisions from time to time and would rather cut off my hand than hurt him. Also knowing that everyday I woke up and honestly tried my best to be a better person and make good choices and decisions.


Can I get to this point of comfort and well being on my own? Yes and I do it everyday. So please don't fault me for feeling this way for I know that I'm capable of doing my own validation and do. This is how I've managed to get this far from my past bad decisions. Despite a few 'days' of hating myself I generally like myself and my life. I do have it pretty good and know that deep inside.

But know that love is an important component of my life...it's a magical thing to me...it's the stuff that I live for, my DREAM...can't help it just the way that I am. But you all can't tell me that for most people finding true love is important. Sure don't need it but without it, for me, life is incomplete. So the loss of this new love that I'd come to cherish so much has left me
devistiated...disillusioned...mortally wounded.

I guess part of the bottom line, part of my lesson, in my getting involved in a new relationship so soon is that I should have made sure that I was strong enough to endure all possible outcomes but who thinks like that in the face of happiness? I was already at ground zero and had already had enough and I knew that if I suffered another heartbreak the consequences would be grave. But in the end I do believe that everything happens for a reason and I don't regret getting involved and loving him for one minute.

A fairy tale classic written by Charles Perrault

PART ONE:

At the christening of a long-wished-for princess, fairies invited as godmothers offered gifts of beauty, wit, grace, and musical talents. However, a wicked fairy who had been overlooked placed the princess under an enchantment as her gift, saying that, on reaching adulthood, she would prick her finger on a spindle and die.

A good fairy, though unable to reverse the spell, altered its effect so that the princess, instead of dying, would fall asleep for a hundred years, until awakened by the kiss of a prince's son.



The king forbade spinning on distaff or spindle, or the possession of one, upon pain of death, throughout the kingdom, but all in vain. When the princess was fifteen or sixteen she chanced to come upon an old woman in a tower of the castle, who was spinning. The Princess asked to try the unfamiliar task and the inevitable happened. The wicked fairy's curse was fulfilled. The good fairy returned and put everyone in the castle to sleep.

Eventually, a prince arrived, and, hearing the story of the enchantment, braved the wood, which parted at his approach, and entered the castle. He kissed the princess, everyone in the castle woke to continue where they had left off... and, in modern versions, they all lived happily ever after.

PART TWO

Secretly wed by the reawakened Royal almoner, the Prince continued to visit the Princess, who bore him two children, L'Aurore and Le Jour, which he kept secret from the Queen his mother, who was of an Ogre lineage. Once he had acceded to the throne, he brought the Princess and the children to his capital, which he then left in the regency of the Queen Mother, while he went to make war on his neighbor the Emperor Contalabutte, ("Count of The Mount").

The Ogre Queen sent the Princess Queen and the children to a house secluded in the woods, and directed her cook there to prepare the boy for her dinner, with a sauce Robert. The humane cook substituted a lamb, which satisfied the Ogre Queen, who demanded the girl, but was satisfied with a young goat prepared in the same excellent sauce. When the Ogre Queen demanded that he serve up the Princess Queen, she offered her throat to be slit, so that she might join the children she imagined were dead. There was a tearful secret reunion in the cook's little house, while the Ogre Queen was satisfied with a hind prepared with sauce Robert. Soon she discovered the trick and prepared a tub in the courtyard filled with vipers and other noxious creatures. The King returned in the nick of time and the Ogress, being discovered, threw herself into the pit she had prepared and was consumed, and everyone else lived happily ever after.

...is that I need to see this to the end without making it OK. I need to process all of the pain by myself without any anesthesia so I can get to the bottom of what's going on in my head.

You see I'm too intelligent to make anymore excuses for myself. It's clear that something is horribly wrong with me. Thus, there's only one of two conclusions that I can draw from this last turn of events...either I'm so far out of touch with myself that I lack the ability to make decisions (something that I can do something about) or I'm so flawed in my decision-making that I'll never get it right. Either way I have to take the pain full on to figure it out...does that make any sense.

And you know what...if I suffer or it ultimately takes me over so what? I was so happy and I blew it!!! Deep inside I have the sense that I need to and want to suffer for my foolishness...I don't deserve to be happy and in an odd way it feels right...not sure why but it does.

I've always been one to not think things through and the results have been devastating. Know that after my divorce I went through extensive therapy with a top notch therapist who helped me get to the bottom of my issues. However, after all of that I'm still making bad decisions. Another piece of evidence that points to my being flawed. And as I sit here in the midst of my last failure I have to do something drastic...I can't go on like this...this life with all of it's failures is miserable...I can't take it nor do I want it if it's going to continue on this way.

Thanks for being there all...obviously I'll let you know what I decide...the jury's still out...I'm still not convinced that I'm not just one messed up person who has no hope for happiness...

Hey all, it's me the Queen of Bad Decisions...here to tell you about my last catasophe...my God I don't think that I could mess up my life anymore if I actually planned my moves out...at this point I have no feet left from self-inflicted shootings. I'm always left asking myself how can someone so intelligent as me be so dum? And this one...this last series of actions that I've taken have left me devistated...back at ground zero...sitting flat on my ass...with an even bigger tear in my heart and I have not the strength or energy to fix it...if it weren't for the cubs this would be it...I'm so done with it all...but of course I don't have that luxury, do I?...I wish that I did...I'm just so sick of it ya know? So what did I do now? What's going on? Here, I'll start at the beginning...

When this first went down I couldn't even articulate what was going on in my head...too much pain, confusion, and honestly embarrassment!!!

In the midst of moving away from Steve I got myself involved in another relationship...I know, very very dum!!! Everyone knows that there has to be time in between relationships...time to heal and get the old relationship out of your system. But did I heed conventional wisdom? No, not me!!! Why not? Well, he's a great guy, great really doesn't begin to describe him he's awesome, who lives here where I live and I fell head over heels in love!!! I put all that I had into it and now due to a bizarre and painful twist of events involving my moving last weekend the new relationship has been ended by the other person...my fault not his, I'm totally to blame for him pulling away. He literally gave me all that he had and I still couldn't turn away from Steve...I so get his view of all of this...I so wish to God that I could've been stronger!!! God, why am I so stupid? Why can't I see beyond the moments that I'm in? I'm so flawed!!! And, pardon my french, here I am flat on my ass again...heartbroken again...but this time it hurts even more. For all that I have going for me I have nothing cause I can't make it work...it's all wasted on me.

OK, OK...I can hear everyone screaming rebound relationship but it was more than that. It had a lot of potential which made it pretty significant to me. I really do love this guy and I can't believe what is happening. The problem is that I slept with Steve last week and understandably my new guy was having none of that. I told him about Steve because I didn't want any part of our relationship to be based on dishonesty. He felt that my sleeping with Steve was an indication that I still loved him or more accurately...not in love with him enough to have said no to Steve.

So here I am with a broken heart over the new guy and Steve is offering to move to Michigan to be with me. The one thing that I'd been hoping and praying forever, Steve moving to Michigan, and I'm in love with someone who doesn't want me anymore. I don't love Steve anymore...I closed my heart to that relationship...my sleeping with him was not an affirmation of my love for him so much as trying to make sure that there were no more feeling left...and I was right, all of the feelings are gone. When Steve asked me who I would choose I told him the new relationship but now the new relationship is gone...and my relationship with Steve is bust...and my life is broken...I have nothing...so what's the point? I can't come back from this...it's not possible. There is a point in life when you're so far down that you can't get back up...I'm at that point. I don't have anyone now...I've destroyed the one relationship that meant anything to me...and I don't want to start over anymore...I just don't have the heart for it.

So for right now I don't know what to do or which way to turn. So I'll just hang a bit and wait for the dust to settle and keep trying to hold onto my head. I can't stop crying and the thought of being done with it all, this awful life of mine, seems more and more attractive every minute...I guess this is when I should call my therapist, huh? Reach out for the life line...but what if I don't want to? What if I just don't want to keep trying?

God, sometimes I really really hate myself...

King of Sorrow
by Sade

I'm crying everyone's tears
And there inside our private war
I died the night before
And all of these remnants of joy and disaster
What am I suppose to do

I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul
But nothing would change, nothing would change at all
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good

The DJ's playing the same song
I have so much to do
I have to carry on
I wonder if this grief will ever let me go
I feel like I am the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow

I suppose I could just walk away
Will I disappoint my future if I stay
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good

The DJ's playing the same song
I have so much to do
I have to carry on
I wonder will this grief ever be gone
Will it ever go
I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow

I'm crying everyone's tears
I have already paid for all my future sins
There's nothing anyone
Can say to take this away
It's just another day and nothing's any good

I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
King of sorrow
I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
King of sorrow