Life or Death...ultimate sacrifice or beginning of dreams...which would you choose???

I have a really big decision to make...it's time to either walk the walk or get off the path. Now is my moment of truth.

ISSUE: Steve has finally offered to move to where I am, that is get a job here and buy a house with the proceeds from the house that he owns.

Why is that a "issue" ME, is that what you wanted all along?

Yes, but I'm not so sure that it's what I still want or if it would even be good for me. Am I being fickle? Hell no, I agonize over each and every damm decision I make these days. But something happened since the time when I wanted him to come here, something quite significant that I just can't ignore.

So this is it, the big one, y'all!!! If I get this one wrong it has the potential to be the mother of all BAD DECISIONS for me so I'm being careful to consider all of the angles. If I've learned one thing this year it's that all decisions have consequences, some good, some bad. The trick to limiting the bad is to keep a sharp eye on what one is trying to achieve taking into account all of the people and responsibilities in your life. Sounds like a lot but really I think it's just a matter of being mindful.

So here goes, I guess this is kinda like my pro/con list.

EMOTIONAL CONNECTION
There is none, I don't love him. But what does that mean? Well, I don't want to be with him. My heart no longer yearns for him. That's what all of that was concerning the new relationship that I got involved in. After I'd made the mistake and slept with Steve it became clear that I didn't love him anymore. Someone said that my sleeping with him made it clear that I was hopelessly in love with him. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

But there are all types of love right? Lots of people are in relationships with people that they're not in love with but there is friendship and shared responsibilities. In this case it would be the parenting of our child. Should I sacrifice for the sake of my 4 year old?

My mom sacrificed for me. That is she stayed with my dad absent any decent relationship between her and my dad and as a result I grew up in a solid middle class home. Once upon a time I thought that was enough but I'm not so sure anymore. She was sad most of the time saying that her relationship with my dad was her lot in life. I suppose she felt that way because she had no one to love her, to believe in her. As much as I love my mom and thank her for her sacrifice I'm not convinced it was the best thing for her or me. That's a real hard one to call. But I have to look at it because I think that her decision has a lot to do with the turmoil that I'm facing right now (and no, I'm not blaming her for my mess it's all my doing, I'm just talking about the "settling for less" mindset that she modeled).

Do I really want to pass this legacy on to my children?

INCREASED AWARENESS
I'm finally aware of what actually happens to me when I'm with Steve. I have to acknowledge his controlling, dominating personality and it's interaction with my co-dependent personality. Basically, it's a disaster. And while I'd like to think that I held my ground in retrospect I see that I did not hold my ground at all. And when it was all said and done I actually ended up in a negative position in all categories: finances, spiritual, physical, community, and emotional.

FEAR
However, as you can imagine there's a lot of fear to contend with in making this decision. Fear that I'll never get back to where I want to be without help. Without Steve I'll be struggling for a bit as a single mom with 3 kids with the possibility that I might have to apply for public assistance in the short term while I work on getting my career up and running again. Which by the way, measurable progress is indeed being made on that front. But the fact remains, with Steve I'd have no such financial worries.

I'm also concerned that the baby will grow up not knowing her father who she loves so dearly. I was willing to sacrifice for my first two children, shouldn't I be equally willing to sacrifice for this one. If I don't get back with her father I know that for years to come I'll look into her face and feel like I deprived her of what she wanted and needed most...her father.

DREAM FOR MYSELF
But here's the rub...the BIG BIG PROBLEM...my dreams. If I go back to Steve I can give up any hope I have for making any of my dreams come true. Sure I'd be back to my middle class life style, however I don't think I'd be happy because I would've sold out on finding my true love. Knowing what I know about Steve I know that I could never have the type of relationship with him that I've always dreamed of. I would forever be watching other happy couples knowing that it was not to be my fate.

So what is it that I want? Well, that's probably a subject for another post but lets just say that Steve doesn't have much, if any, of it. And no, he won't go to counseling to improve the relationship. Amazingly, he actually meets all of the things on my "Don't Want in a Partner" list. The night of our first date I knew that I had no business with him but I wasn't strong enough to walk away...this moment represents a final chance to do what I should have done 6 1/2 years ago. I remember nights when I prayed to God to help me get away from him. I've even left him a few times but always went back. Before this level of awareness I thought it was love that had me returning. Perhaps the first time it was, however, I think subsequent returns were based largely on fear.

Finally, part of me knows that just as I'd be returning to him for the sake of the baby and the comfort of familiarity that he would be returning back to me for the same reason. For me, hardly the stuff that would make me think that I'd lived my life well.

The bottom line:

The only way this will all be OK, my life that is, with all of the sacrifices and all of my mistakes, is if I finally find someone who loves me the way I want and need to be loved. I know that my life will be rough for a bit, there will be times when I'm lonely, afraid and broke...wondering, but I think it's a gamble that I have to take.

Just a few of the things that I know I'll never do or have if I go back to Steve:

~have someone to share my exploration of my spirituality
~share my love of physical fitness
~be spoken to tenderly and gently
~dance at my own wedding
~walk on the beach
~have someone to write love letters to me
~entertain friends together
~have someone to go to sleep and wake up with
~exchange stories and experiences about how wonderful life is
~participate in family activities and to delight in the miracle of all of our children

But what do you think? I already have my answer but I wanted see what you guys thought. It's been my experience in the past that you all are wise and see things that I miss so my mind is open. Thanks, you know I love you all.

The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change.

So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love.

~Jennifer Edwards

Part of my learning to love myself is to start talking about my successes rather than my failures, right? And absent any more BAD DECISIONS that will be easy. Still remembering that I'm still recovering, still healing so there will be setbacks but that's OK...that's life.

There have been some good things that have happened in my life lately but before I go forward and let you know about them I need to take some time to celebrate one decision that resulted in an OUTSTANDING result. I'd also like to celebrate the fact that I've been able to see one of the goals of my Blog fulfilled. I'm feeling very blessed these days.

The GOOD decision with the OUTSTANDING result:

When I left Steve it was because I felt that the place that he had chosen to live was not an unhealthy place for my children to grow up. Additionally, our relationship was on the rocks, had been for awhile, and I knew I could not subject them to one more change that might not be final. I'd moved them too many times after the divorce and I knew that I needed to get them to a place of stability, a place where they could grow roots and call their own, so I sent them to live with their dad while I continued on with Steve.

God, I remember how I struggled with all of that. But two years later, lots of water under of the bridge for me, lots of pain and anguish but lots of growth also.

But the most important part...my children are thriving!!! The place where we're at is great for them. It's a place where they can get their bearings and develop a greater sense of emotional stability. Close to two sets of aunts, uncles, and cousins who have deep connections to the community.

One decision, and a big one at that, done well!!! I'm feeling really really good about that one!!! Finally, a GOOD DECISION.

FULFILLMENT OF A GOAL:

The next thing that I'd like to publicly celebrate is the accomplishment of one of the goals of my Blog. In my profile I wrote "...in the true spirit of trying to be a good person I'll discuss things that I use to help me get back on track, hoping that it will help others."

A few weeks ago while I was in the middle of heartbreak a good friend called me and we started talking about the BAD DECISIONS that we had made. As you may well know, BAD DECISIONS were what brought me to Blogstream in the first place. Anyway, I started the conversation by telling her what a fool I'd been and how my last BAD DECISION had left me with a broken heart. I told her that I felt as if I'd played all of the cards that I'd been dealt and that I was at my end. And while I loved my children and didn't mind making sacrifices for them that took me to the edge of my own sanity where there is only pain, I'd hoped for a bit more for me in the end.

With this I pleaded with her, for she was on the verge of making a decision that had the potential to be bad, to be very very careful. I told her that while one heartbreak was bad enough, if she made another BAD DECISION and had to deal with a new heartbreak on the heels of the first the pain would be excruciating. I made her promise to step back and really think about what she was doing. She agreed to do so.

And in that moment I felt relieved and blessed to have shared something with her that might save her from repeating my mistake, saved her from any emotional pain.

The conversation went on. Being in the same place as me, that is the victims of our own BAD DECISIONS, we made a promise to one another during that phone call. We said that we were done with them and if we needed to be in uncomfortable places for a bit to get it right this time we would do so. That we were strong intelligent women and we needed to get it, to stop making decisions that were sabotaging our lives!!!

She then went on to share a couple of very profound things with me. She has a habit of doing that, she's an incredible woman. First, while we were talking about God she said that she felt that a God who allows us to be complacent is not a loving God. That unfortunately, a large number of us need to be shaken to make things better in our lives, to stop repeating BAD DECISIONS. And perhaps these decisions that we had made were just that...

Second, she said that if I felt that I'd played all of my cards then it was time for me to build a new deck and stack it with the cards that I wanted. We also talked about the last time that I went back to a relationship that I'd left. She asked if, in hindsight, it made any sense. I said no the problem with going back to a relationship that you left is that there was a reason why you left. And if you go back that reason remains unless there's been some major conscious change by both parties. It was a relevation...it would not make any sense for me to go back to Steve...the problems remained and would continue to be problematic. Finally she said that a vine needs a strong tree to support it and if I was a flower in between two stones...well not sure what to do with that sentiment but I liked the visual and knowing the nature of our friendship I know it has some significance...just haven't figured out yet but I'm including it in this post anyway.

It was a triple WOW conversation for us.

Let these words of wisdom in the following worry quotes inspire and motivate you!

My fav is at the top. Which one do you like? Take care friends. Love you all!!!



"Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime and too sleepy to worry at night."
Author Unknown

"The problem of life is to change worry into thinking and anxiety into creative action."
Harold B. Walker, from Think or Worry?

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
William R. Inge

"It is not work that kills, but worry."
African Proverb

"Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years.
If something is wrong, fix it if you can.
But train yourself not to worry:
Worry never fixes anything."
Ernest Hemingway



"What were you worried about this time last year? Can't remember?" Author Unknown, from Ten Ways to Worry Less and Accomplish More

"Don't worry, be happy."
Bobby McFerrin

"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight."
Benjamin Franklin

"I’ve seen many troubles in my time, only half of which ever came true."
Mark Twain

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."
Charles F. Kettering



"If there be no remedy, why worry?"
Spanish Proverb

"I have no regrets. I wouldn't have lived my life the way I did if I was going to worry about what people were going to say."
Ingrid Bergman

"Don't hurry. Don't worry. You're only here for a short visit. So don't forget to stop and smell the roses. "
Walter Hagen

"It is the little bits of things that fret and worry us; we can dodge a elephant, but we can't dodge a fly."
Josh Billings

"As you grew, we helped you avoid unnecessary worry.
As you leave, remember that 90% of what you worry about never happens."
Catherine & Byron Pulsifer, from As You Grew



"Loans and debts make worry and frets."
Proverb

"When I look back on all the worries I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which never happened."
Sir Winston Churchill

"As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey."
Thomas Edison

"Once a decision was made I did not worry about it afterward."
Harry S. Truman

"Worrying about it takes precious time and attention away from your priorities and increases your feelings of dissatisfaction about life."
Christina Winsey-Rudd, from Life Balance Coaching: Balance Work and Life Like a Pro



"Never bear more than one trouble at a time. Some people bear three kinds -
all they have had,
all they have now,
and all they expect to have."
Edward Everett Hale

"As soon as we stop worrying, a solution pops up."
David DeNotaris

"Ninety percent of the things we tend to worry about we have no control over, so why worry about them?"
Author Unknown

"Worry gives a small thing a big shadow."
Swedish Proverb

"Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. I know better. The things I worry about don't happen."
Author Unknown



"Be too big for worry and too noble for anger."
Christian D. Larsen, from THE OPTIMIST CREED

"If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a past or future event, then you are residing on another planet with a different reality system."
William James

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
William Inge

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles,
but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly."
Buddha

"Don't worry about how much money you have and how you are going to spend it. Worry about how much love you have, that way, you can spend your life happily."
Michelle C. Ustaszeski



"Action is worry's worst enemy."
Proverb

"The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work."
Robert Frost

"Every day give yourself a good mental shampoo."
Sara Jordan, M.D.

"The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven."
John Milton

"I try to only worry about things I have control over... "
Steve Nash



"I believe God is managing affairs and that He doesn't need any advice from me. With God in charge, I believe everything will work out for the best in the end. So what is there to worry about."
Henry Ford

"The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves."
Sophocles

"If you see ten troubles coming down the road, you can be sure that nine will run into the ditch before they reach you."
Calvin Coolidge

"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."
Author Unknown

"The only thing you will ever accomplish by worrying is to elevate your stress levels."
Catherine Pulsifer



"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy."
Leo Buscaglia

"It only seems as if you are doing something when you're worrying." Lucy Maud Montgomery

"As a rule, men worry more about what they can't see than about what they can."
Julius Caesar

"We have a problem. 'Congratulations.'
But it's a tough problem. "Then double congratulations."
W. Clement Stone

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
Charles Schultz



"If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep." Dale Carnegie

"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy."
Leo Buscaglia

"Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday."
Author Unknown

"What's the use of worrying? It never was worth while, so pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag, and smile, smile, smile."
George Asaf

"Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained."
Arthur Somers Rache



"Rather than sitting and worrying, do something, anything. Worrying is a waste of time."
Catherine Pulsifer

"Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it."
Mark Twain

"Some men storm imaginary Alps all their lives, and die in the foothills cursing difficulties which do not exist."
Edgar Watson Howe

~someone is thinking of you.

~someone is caring about you.

~someone misses you.

~someone wants to talk to you.

~someone wants to be with you.

~someone hopes you aren't in trouble.

~someone is thankful for the support you have provided.

~someone wants to hold your hand.

~someone is praying for you.

~someone hopes everything turns out all right.

~someone wants you to be happy.

~someone wants you to find him/her.

~someone IS him/her.

~someone is celebrating your successes.

~someone wants to give you a gift.

~someone thinks that you ARE a gift.

~someone hopes that you're not too cold, and not too hot.

~someone wants to hug you.

~someone loves you.

~someone admires your strength.

~someone is thinking of you and smiling.

~someone wants to be your shoulder to cry on.

~someone wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun.

~someone thinks the world of you.

~someone wants to kiss you.

~someone wants to protect you.

~someone would do anything for you.

~someone wants to be forgiven.

~someone is grateful for your forgiveness.

~someone wants to laugh with you all night long about old times.

~someone remembers you fondly and wishes that you were there.

~someone is praising God for you.

~someone values your advice.

~someone wants to tell you how much they care.

~someone wants to stay up all night watching old movies with you.

~someone thinks they shared a past life with you.

~someone wants to share their dreams with you.

~someone wants to hold you in their arms.

~someone treasures your spirit.

~someone wishes they could suspend time.

~someone praises God for your friendship and love.

~someone can't wait to see you.

~someone wishes things didn't have to change.

~someone loves you for who you are.

~someone loved the way you make them feel.

~someone knows that you can be who/what ever you wish to be.