September 21, 2006 and I'm psyched!!!



I wasn't blogging during my last birthday but I can tell you I've come millions and millions of miles since then. I spent my last birthday in seclusion. I felt so miserable and wretched and lost that I didn't want any attention not even birthday wishes from my children. I counted the hours until the day was over!!!

This birthday, however, is so different...

I'm happy to be alive, moving towards my dreams, and loving the attention. You know it's odd for me to be so bold but do feel free to wish me well. And you know I don't believe in coincidences…everything happens for a reason I say…so it makes sense that it's actually been 9 months from the time that I started blogging to now. And at the end of these 9 months it seems that I've sort of given birth to an entirely new ME.

I'm SO not the same person that I was then. Last year at this time my heart was still in the process of breaking…today my heart is in the process of healing.

Lucy suggested that I repost my first blog, I won't go that far but trust me it was pretty heavy. As of today a few of those issues have resolved themselves, others have yet to happen. Back then I think I was dreaming of a new car, big hair, and boobs. Well, my hair has grown back, the other stuff, oh well. But even my dreams have changed. Today, I have the courage to wish for way more than that.

Today I dream of getting back to financial and emotional stability. And even though nothing has materialized yet, no job or space of my own, I know that good things are on the way.

Funny, when I first came to the Stream my residual self image looked like this. I felt like such a fool...felt as if I'd made so many stupid mistakes that I'd never recover.

It's since evolved into this. Remember when you guys helped me pick her out? That was a fun post. Big change, huh?

Along the way I've made many friends and some have shared their vision of me. I was amazed and humbled with each one. My mate Rosie gave me Kresh, saying that I was her. Since then, Kresh has become my alter ego in a land far far away (by the way I've posted another installment).


And Taylor, my dear Taylor, sent this picture to me…

I've even shared real pictures of myself with a select few who said that I was beautiful.

But however the outside looks I know one thing that's changed and it's beautiful and strong and all good things...my insides. I've grown so much and I'm so very proud of myself!!! In my wildest dreams I never imagined that I was so strong.

And I know that this wouldn't have happened without all of my dear friends here in the Stream. When I cried y'all comforted me...when I had questions I received answers...when I needed a push words of inspiration and motivation came my way. So one of my birthday wishes is that you all continue to grace my life with your presence and that you allow me to continue to be part of your lives. All of you have been a blessing to me and one of my birthday songs is dedicated to y'all...With a Little Help from My Friends. I really do love and appreciate you guys.

My second song is dedicated to myself. I wish this feeling for me every day of my life. So today I'll be putting on my fav DMB tee shirt and humming this song.

Lie In Our Graves

When I step into the light
My arms are open wide
When I step into the light
My eyes searching wildly
Would you not like to be
Sitting on top of the world with
Your legs hanging free
Would you not like to be ok, ok, ok?
When I'm walking by the water
Splish splash me and you takin a bath
When I'm walking by the water
Come up through my toes
To my ankles
To my head
To my soul
And I'm blown away

When I'm walking by the water
Splish splash me and you takin a bath
When I'm walking by the water
Come up through my toes
To my ankles
To my head
To my soul
And I'm blown away
I can't believe that we would
Lie in our graves
Wondering if we had
Spent our living days well
I can't believe that we would
Lie in our graves
Dreaming of things that we
Might have been

I can't believe that we would
Lie in our graves
Wondering if we had
Spent our living days well
I can't believe that we would
Lie in our graves
Dreaming of things that we
Might have been

Would you not like to be
I can't believe that you
Would not like to be
Would you not like to be
Ok, ok, ok



Finally, I decided to make a few birthday resolutions. I know, people don't make birthday resolutions but these are more like lessons, you know, things I've learned during the past 9 months (some lessons relearned, some learned for the first time) and promises for me to keep to myself as I begin my 44th year. These are my TRUTHS...


#1. Never stop loving ME...I am a wonderful, talented, loving woman with lots and lots to offer...I am the miracle!!! Remember that I am worthy of love and respect...anyone who isn't capable of giving it to me...why are they in my life?...it's too short, ya know!!! And always talk kindly and gently to yourself...be your own best friend and lover.


#2. Never stop being true to myself...the path to my happiness lies in that direction and I'm strong enough and smart enough to know the right way to go.


#3. Never lose faith in God...never lose hope...never quit...or stop believing that you can do it. However, if this does happen reach out and find someone who's willing to share a bit of their faith, hope, momentum, or belief in you until yours comes back as it always does. Be faithful in the small things and God will take care of the rest.


#4. Dream big and then do everything in your power to...make it so.


#5. Keep the body moving it's one of your strengths, one of your gifts. And you know that endorphins are a great way to beat the blues, build self-esteem, and generally keep you going. And always be striving for the next level.


#6. Always stay optimistic (not hard you were born that way...another one of your gifts) and keep the energy positive. You're quite a resilient person. When a negative thought comes your way get rid of it ASAP and replace it with something that makes you go...Mmmmmm.


#7. Stop worrying so much about what other people think and practice self-validation. Also, lose the fear...it doesn't serve you well at all. Somewhere along the line you confused being fearful and fretting with critical thinking about a problem...they're NOT the same thing.


#8. When the going gets bad...just gut it out until it gets better...as it always does. When the going really really gets bad remember to count the blessings rather than the curses. And remember that as bad as it is for you it's worse for others so always look for ways to help people out. Always do the latter even if times aren't bad just because it's the right thing to do.


#9. Never stop seeking and believing in love. But by the same token PLEASE PLEASE be careful who you fall in love with you silly girl!!!


#10. Remember that all things have cycles, even you. There will be down times, some longer than others. You had a great run up until this downturn but things will get back to good soon.

Always remember...Yin/Yang. Don't be surprised if unfair things happen...but don't look for them...everyday always look for and expect goodness.

Finally, remember that mistakes really are a part of life...try not to lament, learn instead. Stay out of the past; it doesn't exist.


#11. At least once a day remember to find time to be still and get in touch with your core.


#12. Be proactive and have a plan with set goals and dates for accomplishment. Then put reminders all around you to keep your goals in the forefront of your mind.


#13. Always be open to change. See life as an adventure and expect the unexpected. Remain open and allow the Universe to deliver to you what you need.


#14. Stop being afraid to ask for what you want...some of my greatest moments have been when I summoned up the courage and gone for what I wanted.


#15. Make smart money decisions from here on...remember pennies make dollars!!!


#16. Keep adding to your repertoire...keep acquiring new skills, interests, hobbies, and most importantly, friends.


#17. Never mind doing something everyday that you're afraid of...remember we're letting go of fear...just do things everyday that will make you proud of yourself.


#18. Never stop seeking knowledge.


#19. No more auto pilot homegirl...from here on in every action has to be thought through to determine if it's in line with your grand plan. Which is not to take away from your spontaneity...never let go of that quality it's one of the things I love about you.


#20. Keep working on releasing your inner Ninja...work on your chakra control...and soon you'll start getting "A" list missions.

Remember that...

just about anything can happen...


you just have to be open to possibilities.

"When you cannot go further, it is time to go back and wrest out of the past, something shining."
~ David Schubert

"There is a fallow time for the spirit when the soil is barren because of sheer exhaustion."
~ Howard Thurman



Nothing happens without reason, right?

Hey ME, where you been?

Well, it seems that I've taken an unexpected and definitely unintended sabbatical from the Stream since my computer got infected with whatever virus it has. This time has turned into a retreat, a mini vision quest of sorts…"an act of self-nurturing, a radical leap into the hallowed halls of selfhood."

But you know, it seems as if I was supposed to be taking this break to do a bit of reading. I found a few books that have really helped me with my healing and dealing with all that's been happening in my life.

Don't you just love how the Universe truly does deliver to us what we need IF we're willing to listen. And among all of the books that I've been reading one has been so captivating and inspiring that I actually finished it. I don't think I've had the chance to read any book except Green Eggs and Ham from cover to cover for the past decade!!!

Anyway, next week is my birthday so I'm hoping to get a new computer around then. You know I miss you all and hope all is well. All of my love and wishing peace to you all. Thanks for not forgetting me during my down time.



The book is entitled, A Weekend to Change Your Life by Joan Anderson.

The author talks about a lot of concepts but the main one, as you can guess, is the merit of solitude and retreat. Another powerful concept that she talks about is what it means to embark on one's second journey. The second journey commencing when the power of youth is gone, when the dreams of earlier years start to seem shallow and pointless, when anxiety and self-doubt rise to the surface, and when the possibility of failure presents itself.

But back to the retreat concept.

The author says "our FAILURE [emphasis added] to give ourselves the proper time and space to honor the transitions that life doles out to us. Looking back at last year's calendar, how many of the events that you listed involved major transitions-that is, a time when something happened and changed your sense of self or of place? More important, after any one of those transitions, did you give yourself time alone to understand what had transpired and how you felt? Or did you just move quickly ahead, cell phone in one hand, car keys in the other? I've come to see that personal changes of any sort, big or small, can put our bodies and spirits in a state of shock. Left unprocessed, this shock sets down roots that wrap themselves around our souls and inevitably leave us with…an [emphasis added] ache".

"He who lacks time to mourn, lacks time to mend."
~ Shakespeare

She then sets forth a series of questions for you to ask yourself. The thought being that you'll start to understand the reason why you need more time by yourself because any of these changes upsets the equilibrium of your existence. I scored points in each category so I knew that I was in pretty rough shape not even counting this latest deal with my job.

The questions are:

Have you lost a relationship in the past year or two? Has a spouse died, a friend moved away, a child left home? Have you been alienated from someone close? Has a pet died or a child gotten married?

Has your home scene changed? Has a spouse retired or been laid off and is he now home all the time? Was someone ill that needed your care? Did you move, remodel, or get remarried?

Have you experienced personal change? An illness, success or failure, a diet or a new exercise regime, a sleep disturbance, or financial problems?

Here are a few more quotes from the book that I liked….

"After a certain point, it is necessary to let go of all outside help and focus in on our own strength and resourcefulness. What we seek, seeks us"
~ Anonymous

"There must be a time of day when we, who make plans, forget plans and act as if we had no plans at all. There must be a time of day when we who have to speak fall very silent."
~ Thomas Merton

"To the mind that is still the whole universe surrenders."
~ Lao Tzu

"Woman must come of age herself. She must find her true center alone. She must become whole."
~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

"They are lost enough to find themselves."
~ Robert Frost

"We do not receive wisdom-we discover it for ourselves after a journey through the wilderness."
~ Joan Erickson

"When you are alone, you find out who you are capable of being"
~ Joan Erickson

This week and last week were "don't want to weeks" for me...

I started off last Monday knowing that I had to go by the office to see if my boss was in town. I "didn't want to" because I knew that if I found him it would mean that he had been avoiding me and that would open a whole new can of worms for me to deal with. AND I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE DEALING WITH ANYMORE STUFF! Also I just didn't want to deal with another betrayal. After all that I've been through I realize that while I'm still putting one foot in front of the other my emotional state is very fragile.

Bottom line...I seem to be operating with a low level of depression.Nothing I can't handle but it hurts, ya know?!

Anyway, my worst fears were confirmed, sometimes that happens you know, your worst fears do come true and it sucks. That day I left a note and then later sent him an email. He did finally call me later in the week but acted as if nothing was wrong. He said that he simply forgot to call me because he was so busy.

The rest of the day that I stopped by the office I had to deal with myself and the trauma of effectively losing my job at a time when I didn't have much to begin with. I went to the library and worked on my job search...even though I didn't want to. I went to the gym and worked out...even though I didn't want to. You see, like everyone else, I have a million things to do including showing the cubs that you can't let "stuff" stop you. But honestly all I wanted to do was to sit down and cry. It sucked but I was proud of myself.

This week I've done the same. Back in the office but not really wanting to be there. And now the boss is taking about putting me on a commission basis.

If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all.

I find myself a bit heartbroken again. NO, it's not a romantic relationship (well there is still pain there but that's not what I'm talking about here) but a relationship nevertheless. I've always believed in the goodness of people. And it tears me up when people do wrong, including myself. I wish that my boss had been more considerate of my feeling. A simple phone call would have shown that he respected me as a professional, and more importantly, a person.

When I get hurt like this I find myself going through what I've labeled my "trauma cycle." It's the range of emotions that I seem to go through when something painful happens. How much time I spend in each cycle seems to be related to the depth of the trauma and whether I'm in a romantic relationship or not.

The stages are:

#1. Shock

#2. Intense emotional and physical pain (this seems to be the stage where I reach out to people in an attempt to relieve the pain but now because there is no one to reach out to I seem to be looking to myself which is a good thing I suppose.)

#3. Profound sadness (when I'm by myself I don't stay here long either because I can't afford to indulge my emotions because they hinder me and I have too much to do these days)

#4. Fog

#5. Clearing of the fog

#6. Anger

#7. Equilibrium

Anyway, this is one of those times when I can honestly say that it sucks being ME...I like ME, actually love ME but right don't really want to be ME. My computer remains on the blink so I'm sorry that I can't get around the Stream. Miss you guys. Hope you're all doing well. Love you all.

I've been trying to find this song forever. Yesterday when I was at the library I turned and this Seal CD caught my eye. Thus, on a whim I found what I'd been searching for.

Life is funny like that...huh?

Anyway, this is my first time trying to post music so sorry if it doesn't work...but in the meantime I've posted the words.

Also my computer is very sick so I might be out of commission until next week. I think I loaded one thing too many on it. Anyway, I hope you guys have a great weekend. I miss you all already!!!

By the way, while I have this lull of free time and not being able to blog I seem to be doing a lot of other stuff. The obvious...more time with the cubs, more time to read, and the house sure is cleaner.

To that end, I'm wondering what you guys do when you have free time and you can't get to the computer?



Waiting For You
Seal

Everyday, a shade of blue
You won't believe
What I'm going through
It just feels like I can't afford to let myself go
No, oohooo no...

Everyone is just the same
They touch me
But I can't say

There has been no one brighter than you
I can't deny these things that I do
Feels like the world's at stake 'cause
I have been waiting
I have been waiting for you

Heavenly, that's what you are
You're burnin' me like a shining star
How am I supposed to be that king without you
Ooohooo...it's true yea

Everyone is just the same
They love me
But I can't say

There has been no one brighter than you
I can't deny these things that I do
Feels like the world's at stake yeaaahh...
I have been waiting
I have been waiting for you

There has been no one brighter than you
I can't deny these things that I do
Feels like the world's at stake 'cause
I have been waiting
I have been waiting for you

I have seen no (light) brighter than you
And I can't deny these things that I do
Feels like the world's at stake yeeaah yeah
I have been waiting
I have been waiting for you

Everyday I sit down and I feel like I'm waiting
For you
I've been waiting for you
For you

I have been waiting
I have been waiting for you

"In a sky full of people, only some
want to fly, isn't that crazy?" - Seal, "Crazy"

Today we are celebrating a birthday...4 years old. So hard for me to believe. I remember when he first came into the world...I couldn't believe that the most beautiful baby in the nursery belonged to me.

When I count my blessings and review all of the reasons for me to keep putting one foot in front of the other in order to achieve all of my dreams I think of him and my other cubs.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LITTLE ONE!!!