OK, here goes. I've decided to do this because I have so much going on in my head and so many things have gone wrong in my life. I need a place to sort it all out and possibly leave something for others, hoping they won't make the same mistakes -- I HAVE RUINED MY LIFE with BAD DECISIONS and the only thing left to do is to pick up the pieces and START ALL OVER AGAIN!
There are a few issues I need to address throughout this blog:
#1. What I did to get into this hole.
#2. What I am doing to try to get out of the hole.
#3. Improve my decision-making skills.
I'll start with my present situation and background. Hate to say it but the whole thing sounds like the story line for a women's network movie. God, please let it have a happy ending!!! Basically, I'm a nice person (everyone who meets me likes me) but the one thing that my life has taught me so far is that nice means nothing in the grand scheme of things. The mistakes I made were ones of ignorance of basic personal finance, being so insecure/stubborn that I wouldn't listen to others when they gave me advice, not thinking decisions through and always, always, always thinking with my heart and never my head. Sorry, no drugs, crime, or illicit sex involved.
I'm 43 years old woman (age, it seems is no indicator of wisdom) and have 2 degrees, one from a top ten US law school (nor is education). I come from a solid, stable, loving middle class background with two parents and family who spent time with me and loved and adored me. Emotionally I'm pretty well developed (did my time in therapy after the divorce). Lived what others would call a charmed life for 35 years. I have 3 children ages 11, 9, and 3 who are the loves of my life. I believe in God, I'm single (divorced once), unemployed, and ADRIFT IN THE WORLD.
Currently I have no money or resources left and now live by mooching off of friends and family. I've literally fallen, and fallen far from grace. I feel like such scum, stupid scum. I'm afraid that I have done so much damage that I'll never get back to a legitimate, decent life (read upper middle class). I'm in a relationship with the father of my 3 year old. We never married but we do love each other very much. However, the relationship is "strained" (more on that later) basically because I live in one state and he lives in another.
I'm currently living with the father of my first 2 children (totally platonic, I sleep with the kids in their bedroom) to help him take care of them. He has a job, I don't, who better to care for my children than me? I know it's weird but we've been able to put aside our differences for the sake of the children. We decided that the children would stay with him because he is more stable than I am and during my fall from grace I moved them around too much.
I've started to look for a job but I'm mostly over qualified for most jobs. The state where I'm at has an terrible unemployment rate. I did manage to find the perfect job that fit my qualifications to a tee for $50,000/year, had a great interview, and then was turned down because of my credit report.
I was depressed for weeks! I called the local mental health clinic to see if I could find someone to talk to. I was asked if I was suicidal, I thought for a minute, yes, then remembered that I had to pick up the kids so no, not really, I have to take care of my children and don't have time for such things.
Understand this was my dream job, what I was most qualified in the world to do given my education and work experience. And sadly to say I don't think that I will be able to work in that industry at all because of my bad credit. There goes 13 years of work experience due to BAD DECISIONS!
BAD DECISION ENTRY #1: While I was living with my baby's daddy (sounds so low class) I quit my job making close to 6 figures to stay home with the baby but then didn't have the financial means to pay my bills. Then I took out all of the $ in my 401K (over $100K) and STILL DIDN'T PAY MY BILLS. I used it to pay living expenses but still, I should have paid my damm bills. Heck, I should have never quit my job!
CLOSING THOUGHT: When I was going through my divorce (which was the beginning of the end of my charmed life) I prayed to God to let the experience be so deep that I would realize that I could/should never try to do anything without God. I'm afraid that that prayer continues to play in my life. I know that all of this is for a reason, I just don't know if I am going to make it through it in one piece.
I am very, very, very depressed! I feel like the only one on earth who is sooo stupid. I REALLY can't imagine anyone one else making such BAD DECISIONS. I had it all and now I have nothing!
Next entry: BAD DECISIONS:POST-DIVORCE
Good night and Happy New Year!!!
